When we were leaving Sunday afternoon, your wife was all smiles as you backed the car out of your driveway. She looks happy, I thought. Now I figured out why — she was looking forward to a full night of sleep! Do you remember those old Loony Tunes cartoons with the snoring wolf? The one where he’d snore so much his blanket and roof would raise right off of him? You reminded me of the wolf in that cartoon last night. I wish the company had paid for two rooms. Yet, if the clerk gave me the room next to yours, it might still not have been far enough away. With all the sounds you were making, the guy next door woke up and started revving his motorcycle at 3 a.m. By the time I went outside to talk to him about it, he’d been running and revving that engine for 30 minutes. Very politely, I asked him to knock it off. He laughed at me in a curt way. “Make me,” he said, following that with an obscenity. I almost became completely unhinged. Episodes of those TV shows that they make about the inside of prisons flashed in front of my eyes. I wanted to kill him, but I didn’t want to live out a real-life prison show. That future would be even worse than giving a lousy presentation in the morning. Your wife is a saint. That’s all I can say. Either that. or she’s deaf and lip reads extremely well. Maybe she has a very good set of earplugs. Your snores would probably pierce ear plugs of more normal quality. I can only imagine what the truth is. The guy drove off a few minutes later. I think he heard you through the thin walls. The company only puts us in the cheapest hotels. I think the man didn’t have earplugs either. Sometimes they’re essential sleep tools, even more than a comfortable pillow. He decided to get up anyway, much earlier than was necessary for him. He probably fell asleep on his motorcycle in the parking lot, lulled by the rhythm of the engine. I honestly hope he didn’t fall asleep when he was driving and crash somewhere. A lack of sleep can be serious, deadly even, especially if you ride a motorcycle. Though I thought about killing him for a few seconds, I wished him well after my better nature made me realize he’d been nothing more than desperate. How I wish I had thought to bring a set of good earplugs! Having the right tools helps the completion of any job. Having the right sleep tools is a sleep skill. Those soft plastic ones with the installer that you get on the gun range would have been ideal! That way our neighbor last night could have slept on his motorcycle. He’d have been lulled to sleep with the rumbling of his engine until dawn. I could have slept too. If I had an extra set, I could have even gone out there and offered him the set. Oh well. Look, you need to do something about your snoring. Try sleeping on your side. Every so often, I’d prod you with a shoe to the shoulder to turn over, but it didn’t do any good for long. You’d always turn back to your back and snore away. Maybe you could prop yourself against a few pillows and have some better, long-lasting results. Lose some weight. They say that the closer you are to your ideal body weight, the less likely it will be that you snore. It’s not easy to lose weight, and it takes some time, but it’s not impossible either. A few pounds might make a huge difference. Do you have allergies? Get them treated. Try taking some diphenhydramine before you go to bed. Take whatever it says to take on the bottle. Get one of those mouth guards at the drug store or someplace else. You could also try one of those breathing strips too. Give up smoking! They say smoking makes people snore. Prop up the head of your bed with a same-sized object on both sides. A few inches on either side might make a big difference. You’ve got to do something about this problem. I know you don’t hear it. You’re not the one who has to listen to it all night. You’re sleeping after all. I can’t believe nobody has ever mentioned it to you before. Even if your wife sleeps in another room where it’s not as loud and wears earplugs, that’s not a real solution for you. The snoring affects your breathing when you sleep. If you snore less, you’re going to wake up refreshed. That’s going to improve your life all around. Anyway, I say this as a friend and coworker. Don’t make my life hell for me at work. You’ve got to take this problem by the horns. I know our medical insurance sucks. I know there’s a helluva copay. I know there’s a lot of things that you’d rather spend the money on, but ignoring this could be even more expensive in the end. You could end up getting a divorce for this. It’s even a bigger deal than being kept up because there are no heroes. Good luck. Tonight they’re putting me in a room on the other side of the complex. It’s all right. I’m going to be turning in early.